Hello, Mrs Smith, do come in. Just put your bags and stuff on the chair there and sit over here. No, put your bags on that chair there, and sit over here. No, no, put your bags there, and sit here! Oh, all right. Put your bags on my chair and your hat on my desk and I'll move them onto the other chair. There we are, always a tricky one that Mrs Smith.
Ten years since your last test? Lots of problems with other opticians and thought you'd give us a try? Thank you for your faith in us, Mrs Smith. I am sure there will be no problems at all. Shall I book you in for the inevitable retest and refund now?
You didn't bring your current glasses? Didn't think you needed to eh? Why would you? And you haven't brought your contact lenses either for the contact lens check we are doing. Take your car to the garage when it is having a service do you? No, nothing Mrs Smith, just thinking to myself.
So, do you have any health problems? Fit and well you say. So not taking any medication then. Oh you are, are you? Blood pressure, yes, cholesterol, yes, arthritis, asthma, thyroid, acid reflux, leg cramps etc etc etc. But apart from that, you are, as you say, fit and well.
Apart from your cold, obviously. That's why you're off work eh? Thought you'd have an eye test while you were off. No trouble at all, Mrs Smith. Please sneeze and cough and splutter as much as you can all over my room, and indeed my face.
Now I am just going to examine your eyes and I want you to try to place your chin on this chin-rest, but at the same time I want you to contort yourself into increasingly unfeasible positions so that your chin is pressed right in but your forehead is leaning right back. Alternatively, you can twist your head so it is not straight and I have no chance of examining you. Perhaps you can adopt the correct position then raise yourself off the chinrest during my examination or, even better, move away from me once I have started. Do feel free to start talking at any point, I won't mind a bit.
Look straight ahead please no that's leftthat's rightno, not upstraight ahead please thank you, but while I'm examining your eyes and an inch from your face isn't a good time to suddenly tell me you've now remembered the name of that tablet we both hypothesised over 30 seconds agono this isn't the glaucosmication test and sorry this also won't tell me if your eyes have changed yetyour last optician said you had stigmentation in the left eye?sorry but I can't detect that yetstraight ahead now
Yes I can hear it ringing. Do you really have to answer it? I'm sure that having the theme tune from the Tweenies as your mobile phone ringtone did seem a good idea at the time but isn't it embarrassing when it goes off in the middle of an eye test? No, no problem you go ahead and answer it, I have all the time in the world to listen to you arranging what you're having for tea. Oh he's having a test next? Where is he then? Oh I see. He can't come because the dog's been sick on the settee - well telling the receptionist on your way out isn't really helpful. Anyway straight ahead pleaseno that's left
Now this tests the pressure in your eyes, Mrs Smith. Just a gentle puff of air, but ideally I would like you to squeeze your eyes as tight as possible just before I do it, or hold your breath and become very tense. Yes, that's right. Marvellous, we don't use trial frames any more, Mrs Smith, we use this automated piece of kit, the phoropter. I will place it in front of your eyes but I want you to move wildly at random once I do so, ensuring at all times that your eyes can in no way see through the two eyeholes. If you find that you can see, please breathe heavily to steam the lenses up.
When I ask if you can see better with lens one or lens two, please say nothing for as long as possible before saying yes, no, I don't know, the other one was better. So here we go: Is it clearer with lens one? No, wait for it, Mrs Smith. Or lens two? Again, at this point some find it useful to always pick the worst image before stating I can't see now.
So there we are, Mrs Smith. Your eyes are healthy and you can see well. I will pass you on to our dispensing staff who will help you choose your new glasses, and we will see you again in two weeks for the retest. What's that you say? What about this floater and the flashing light? Ah, I am glad you asked me that just now
Ah, Mr Smith, so you are the husband? A teacher you say? You teach engineering. How wonderful, and you've booked in with me when? Fantastic!
You haven't brought any money and can't pay for your sight test today Mrs Smith? Goodness me, not a problem, please don't worry, this is my hobby and I do it for the sheer love of it! The very idea of accepting any form of money is abhorrent to me! Have a lovely day, and don't give it another thought. Merry Christmas! ?