A realistic assessment of Oscar O’Neill’s sporting prowess had been forced upon him as a child in the most brutal fashion when his school had allowed other boys to pick teams at football. Nevertheless, the desire, shown by most schoolboys, to be a great sporting figure had not entirely left him. So when he read an article on sports vision, Oscar concluded this was his destiny.
Oscar decided he would focus this new-found knowledge on golf. This was based on the time that he had once holed the ball directly from a bunker on a pitch-and-putt course. It also conveniently ignored his less successful moments, such as the time he completely lost his temper after repeatedly failing to avoid the windmill arms in crazy golf.
Having undertaken a few weeks of practice with flipper lenses and a computer-based vision training regime, Oscar wanted to try out his new-found knowledge before offering his services to the local exclusive golf clubs. Having purchased a second-hand set of clubs for the ‘bargain’ price of £250 (he didn’t want to be let down by poor equipment), Oscar turned up one afternoon at the local municipal course.
After his first tee shot, Oscar’s newly enhanced vision enabled him to maintain perfect focus on the ball. Less pleasing was the fact that the ball had remained stubbornly on the tee as the club-head whistled past it. His second attempt did make contact, but resulted in a vicious hook that would have been much more successful in a boxing ring than it was on a golf course.
The progress of Oscar’s ball to the green continued in a zigzag fashion until it eventually disappeared into the hole 12 shots later. After nine holes, Oscar’s score would have been in three figures if he had included air shots and numerous unsuccessful attempts to extricate his ball from all the bunkers in which it had landed.
Oscar generously allowed several golfers to pass him, most of whom had viewed him with a mixture of sympathy, amusement and horror normally reserved for someone turning up at a formal dinner in fancy dress. There were, however, three young lads who were unable to restrain themselves from making some comments, the most polite of which was along the lines of ‘I’ve seen better driving on Police, Camera, Action!’
Oscar was preparing to drive on the next tee when he heard a familiar voice behind him: ‘I didn’t know you played golf, Oscar.’ It was DI Luke Stott, accompanied by two uniformed officers, who went on. ‘Have you by any chance seen a man dressed as a bear on the course? We’re pretty sure he’s come this way but nobody seems to have seen him.’
‘Inattentional blindness,’ Oscar replied, still full of his new-found sports vision knowledge. ‘There was a famous experiment when people were asked to count the number of balls bounced on a basketball court, and didn’t notice someone dressed in a gorilla suit. Perhaps we were all so busy playing golf that we didn’t notice the bear. What was he doing?’
Stott explained that a man dressed as a bear had robbed a jewellery shop before joining in a fun run that happened to be taking place at the time. He was then seen running off in the direction of the golf course. Oscar said that he would keep a look out as the policemen continued their search.
On his next tee shot Oscar made decent contact with the ball which set off down the middle of the fairway before veering off to the right, as if drawn by magnets into a large clump of trees. Oscar trudged after it with very little expectation of seeing it again. What he did find, however, lying among the trees, was a bear suit.
On his way to report his find to Stott and his colleagues, Oscar saw in the distance the young lads who had abused him earlier, only there were now four of them. So, when Oscar did finally meet up with the policemen, he was able to give them all the information needed to make an arrest and reclaim the stolen money.
Oscar’s career as a sports vision guru was over before it had begun, and he sold his clubs for a considerable loss. His career as a forensic optometrist, on the other hand, continued with an improbability that would have eclipsed any sporting upset.